Today's World

The daily newspapers and the Internet provide a never-ending source of items that are informative, ridiculous, and sometimes just dumb.  A few of these gems have been collected to permit the reader the opportunity of having a moment of humorous relief from the stress of daily life:

We live in a litigious society, according to a number of recent articles, which results in some very unexpected conclusions and protective actions.  For example:

                The well publicized incident of the hot coffee.  A woman bought a take-out container of coffee    
                and returned to her car where she placed the cup between her legs before driving off.  Ultimately,

                the coffee sloshed on her legs causing mild burns.  She sued for negligence and won a settlement    
                because she had not been warned that the coffee was hot.  All coffee containers nationwide now  
                include a warning to the effect that the coffee in the container is hot.

               A popular Batman Halloween costume includes the important warning:  “Parents: Please exercise     
               caution.  For play only.  Mask and chest plate are not protective.  Cape does not enable user to fly.” 

                Sleds are now carrying warning labels that read:  “Product does not have brakes.”

                Citing fear of lawsuits, Fairfax County, Virginia, has taken away the playgrounds at 29 county      
                parks and removed the diving boards from public swimming pools.  The reporting news article                               facetiously suggested that the pools be drained to safeguard against possible drownings and     
                filled-in to avoid injuries from falls.  

There is a saying that the road to hell is paved with good intensions.  Try this one on for size:  A brainstorm from the EPA has all military, industrial and energy facilities submitting their “worst case scenarios” to the EPA who will compile a comprehensive report and submit it to the public via the Internet because the public has a right to know under the Freedom of Information Act what disasters might befall them.  How convenient!  Terrorists wouldn’t have to waste time with ineffective terrorists acts.  They could read the report on worst-case disasters and pick the one most suitable to their plans.  The EPA appears to recognize this risk and goes on to say that it’s willing to take the increased risk because a possible terrorist attack is small to begin with.  Does this mean that the World Trade Center, Oklahoma City and other terrorist attacks don’t count?  One fact that appears not to have been considered is that once the report is published Pandora’s Box will be open and nothing anyone can do will undo the published information. 

 To a lesser extent, the state of New Jersey has joined the list of individuals and organizations that use twisted logic to arrive at decisions.  Recently, three New Jersey towns were ordered by the Department of Community Affairs to hire elevator inspectors.  The towns protested the order, pointing out that there were no elevators in any of the three communities.  They were told to hire the inspectors anyway.  It seems that elevator inspectors are a requirement of the Uniform Construction Code and if the towns don’t hire the inspectors, they would be in violation of the code and the UCC would no longer be uniform. 

Everyone remembers from childhood, the story of the grasshopper and the ant.  Briefly, the ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying supplies in for the coming winter.  The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs, dances and plays the summer away.  Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed: The grasshopper has no food and shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

In today’s world, there is another, modern version to this old tale:  As with the original story, the ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long building his house and laying supplies in for the coming winter.  As with the original story, the grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs, dances and plays the summer away.  Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed: The grasshopper has no food and shelter, so……………

He calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast.  How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everyone ctries when they sing, “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant’s house where the news stations film the group singing, “We Shall Overcome.”  Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper’s sake.

Tom Daschle and John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share.” 

Finally, the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Grasshopper Act,” retroactive to the beginning of the summer.  The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.

The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he doesn’t maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful and prosperous neighborhood.

After that story, a bit of humorous relief is in order:

We are all familiar with the serious problem that England, Europe and Canada have faced in the recent past – the problem of mad cow disease.  The reader will be happy to know that our ability to avoid contaminated beef has been enhanced considerably through a recommendation published in the Reader’s Digest.  RD recommends that you only buy beef from stores (ranchers) who guarantee that their cows have all completed anger management classes. 

Did you know that there is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra then on Alzheimer’s research?  It is estimated that by 2020 there will be a very large elderly population with perky breasts, never-ending erections, and absolutely no recollection of what to do with either.

With that profound forecast, I think it time to close this discourse. 

June 2004