POSITION: Parent
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term player needed for challenging,
permanent work in chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent
communication and organizational skills and be willing to work evenings and
weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts.
There is some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway
cities. Travel expenses not
reimbursed.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must keep this job for the rest of your
life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily. Must be willing to
bite tongue repeatedly. Must possess the
physical stamina of a pack mule. Must be willing to tackle stimulating technical challenges
such as small gadget repair, sluggish toilets, and stuck zippers. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing, as well as floor maintenance and janitorial work. Must screen phone
calls, maintain calendars, and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social
gatherings for clients of all ages and levels of mentality. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an
embarrassment the next. Must assume
final, complete accountability for the quality of end product.
ADVANCEMENT and
PROMOTION: There is no
possibility of either. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills so
that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS
EXPERIENCE: None required, but
on-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES: None. In fact, you must pay those in your charge,
offering frequent raises and bonuses. A
balloon payment is due when they turn 18 and attend college. When you die, you give them whatever income
and possessions you may have left.
BENEFITS: There is no health or dental insurance,
no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays, and no stock options.
However, the job offers limitless opportunities for personal growth and
free hugs for life.
The Bergen Record, 2000
LFC
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