Attack of the Machines

There are some things that are so preposterous, yet interesting and funny, that they should be saved for the future for others to read.  Such is the subject of resistentialism, the theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us.   

Wordsmith, a free internet service that provides readers with a daily word based on a theme that changes weekly, offered resistentialism on March 30, 2004.  Interested readers may subscribe to Wordsmith by sending the following e-mail message:  http://www.wordsmith.org/awad/subscribe.html.  As to the current word, Wordsmith had this to say: 

“[Resistentialism was] coined by humorist Paul Jennings as a blend of the Latin res (thing), the French resister (to resist) and existentialism (a kind of philosophy).

“If you ever get a feeling that the photocopy machine can sense when you’re tense, short of time, need a document copied before an important meeting, and right then it decides to take a break, you’re not alone.  Now you know the word for it.  Here’s a report of scientific experiments confirming the validity of this theory.  http://www.uefap.co.uk/writing/exercise/report/clatri.htm.” 

The text of this report has been included in this essay as an addendum. 

In the March 30 e-mail and in a subsequent e-mail on April 11, Anu Garg of Wordsmith included a number of statements by individuals and publications describing their personal experiences and comments on resistentialism:

“As if to prove the point, my normally robust DSL Internet connection went bust for two hours just as I was writing this.  I’m not making this up.”  Anu Garg, Wordsmith.

“Resistentialism has long been used in our family to explain the inexplicable: Why light switches, fixed in place in daylight hours, elude groping hands in darkness.  Why shoestrings break when we are in a hurry…

The explanation for these and many more daily occurrences is that there is no such thing as an inanimate object.  Seemingly inanimate objects actually resist those they are intended to serve.”  Myron A. Marty; Hostile Inanimate Objects Have Their Murphy’s Law; St. Louis Post-Dispatch (Missouri); Sep 15, 1996.

“Reports of resistentialism abound in ephemeral literature as well.  The Peter Tamony Collection at the University of Missouri, Columbia, contains dozens of newspaper clippings documenting the phenomenon … Among Tamony’s clippings is a story about a lady in London whose telephone rang every time she tried to take a bath.  No matter what time she drew the bath, day or night, the phone always rang – and when she’d answer it, nobody was there.  Things eventually got so bad that she stopped bathing altogether, which prompted her husband to investigate the problem pronto…  In the great scheme of things (think about that one!), Jennings tells us, we are no-Thing, and Things always win.”  Charles Harrington Elster; Resistentialism: Things Are Against Us (Including Our Own Words); New York Times Magazine; Sep 21, 2003.

The following messages were all included in the e-mail message of April 11, 2004.

“I used to be affiliated with a couple of skeptical societies.  Even though I’m not nearly as cynical as are their founders, I’ve had more than enough exposure to the Scientific Method, Classical Logic and Statistical Methodology to doubt the validity of the clinical findings regarding resistentialism (‘The theory that inanimate objects demonstrate hostile behavior against us’)!”  David A. Tozier (wryrytrATjuno.com)   

“From a nearly forgotten s-f story, of the we’ve-explored-the-entire-universe genre.  It seems that humanity has found a culture that has no religion.  All others have had some kind of belief in a higher power, but a distant race of humanoids has none.  Except, they do have an unshakeable belief in the fact that all the objects of the material world hate them.  This is the extent of their religious thought.  I’ve always loved that concept, and today’s word.”  Elizabeth Soderberg (esoderbergATrock.k12.nc.us)

“My father had a phrase for this phenomenon: ‘The perversity of inanimate objects.’!”  Jean Galt (pjeangATsympatico.ca)

“Thank you!  I can use one word – resistentialism – to describe the ‘office equipment mutiny event’ (OEME) I experience on those special days when I must meet a project deadline.  Now if I could just figure out which equipment typically leads the ‘mutiny’ – computer, copier, printer, or maybe the stapler?”  Shirley Rivera (shirley_riveraATmac.com)      

“Over many years, I have observed that my stapler never runs out of staples except when I need to use it.”  Robert Julia (juliarATnhlbi.nih.gov)

“A ha!  As a military wife, I have long wondered why previously problem-free objects throw wild tantrums the moment my husband steps out the door for a deployment.  Now I know.  They really do wait for the most opportune moment (theirs, not mine) to malfunction royally.  This is such a well-known and widespread phenomena among military spouses that when my garbage disposal clogged recently – while my husband was in fact home to witness it – all we could do was stare at it, then at each other in disbelief before I screeched, ‘But you’re still home,’ at the same time Tim muttered, ‘But I’m still home.’  Best we can figure, the disposal had the date wrong.  Tim was due to ship out the following morning.  Thanks for the best word ever.”  Emily Rohrer (eclaireATmetbymail.com)

“I certainly subscribe to the theory of resistentialism, which was perfectly summarized by Russell Baker:  ‘The goal of all inanimate objects is to resist man and ultimately defeat him.’  I direct all doubters of this theory to the nearest roll of packing tape.”  John Matthiessen (jmatthiessenATtnc.org) 

“I own an antique Mercedes-Benz that gives me a lot of pride and pleasure.  I am also a Holocaust survivor.

Now and then, when I least expect it, my MB will trip me or conk me on the head.  Is that resistentialism or revengism?  Or is the fact that I own the Mercedes-Benz my own revengism?”  Rudy Rosenberg Sr. 

(rrosenbergsrATaccuratechemical.com)

“I teach at Vanderbilt University.  At the top of all my syllabi is my quote – Technology smells fear.  I didn’t know there was a word for this phenomenon, and am delighted to find I am not alone in the world.  I tell my students that, the closer the deadline, and the more important whatever it is you are working on, the harder the machine will bite you.”  William M. Akers (willATwillakers.com) 

“My wife, Jeanne, points out that there’s a corollary to the law of resistentialism: ‘Do not criticize a new appliance in its presence.’”  Steve Taub (staubATgmu.edu)

“This word reminded me of ‘A Thing About Machines’ (first aired on October 28, 1960, on The Twilight Zone), wherein resistentialism reaches its ultimate conclusion in the death of Bartlett Finchley.  Other stories of the times echo the same paranoia.  Descendants like Terminator and the Matrix, owe a debt, not only to this and to other Atomic-age stories, like the Forbin Project, but to innumerable daemon-inspired tales like the Wonderful Lamp.  Our predisposition to create tales predicted on animism seems to me to have its roots in associating objects with events (memorabilia), then assigning value to them.  Ultimately, we come to fear the power of the things we cherish, perhaps because we realize they can be used against us.  The only escape from that fear is to cease craving things – a long road for those of us raised in the most materialistic culture on Earth.”  Steven T. Patterson (pattersonsATallentownsd.org)         

“My older daughter who’s in high school asked if there’s a word for the opposite theory that inanimate objects exhibit friendly and generous behavior to us.  Her example was a juice machine at school that often gives her two juices for the price of one.  Is there a word like let’s say co-opstentialism?”  James Bauman

(james.baumanATsafety-kleen.com)

 “Not to be outdone, my pc crashed while I was typing this essay, but in a non-typical act of mercy, saved all that I had typed prior to the crash.  I suspect it wasn’t a true act of mercy, but a warning demonstrating what I could expect if I didn’t behave myself and show respect for the mighty Dell.”  Leonard F. Cremona.

Addendum

The Clark-Trimble Experiments

(From ‘Report on Resistentialism’ by Paul Jennings)

“A convenient point of departure is provided by the famous Clark-Trimble experiments of 1935.  Clark-Trimble was not primarily a physicist, and his great discovery of the Graduated Hostility of Things was made almost accidentally.  During some research into the relation between periods of the day and human bad temper, Clark-Trimble, a leading Cambridge psychologist, came to the conclusion that low human dynamics in the early morning could not sufficiently explain the apparent hostility of Things at the breakfast table – the way honey gets between the fingers, the unfoldability of newspapers, etc.  In the experiments which finally confirmed him in this view, and which he demonstrated before the Royal Society in London, Clark-Trimble arranged four hundred pieces of carpet in ascending degrees of quality, from coarse matting to priceless Chinese silk.  Pieces of toast and marmalade, graded, weighed, and measured, were then drop- ped on each piece of carpet, and the marmalade-downwards incidence was statistically analyzed.  The toast fell right-side-up every time on the cheap carpet, except when the cheap carpet was screened from the rest (in which case the toast didn’t know that Clark-Trimble had other and better carpets), and it fell marmalade-downwards every time on the Chinese silk.  Most remarkable of all, the marmalade-downwards incidence for the intermediate grades was found to vary exactly with the quality of carpet.

“The success of these experiments naturally switched Clark-Trimble’s attention to further research on resitentia, a fact which was directly responsible for the tragic and sudden end to his career when he trod on a garden rake at the Cambridge School of Agronomy.  In the meantime, Noys and Crangenbacker had been doing some notable work in America.  Noys carried out literally thousands of experiments, in which subjects of all ages and sexes, sitting in chairs of every conceivable kind, dropped various kinds of pencils.  In only three cases did the pencil come to rest within easy reach.  Crangenbacker’s work in the social-industrial field, on the relation of human willpower to specific problems such as whether a train or subway will stop with the door opposite you on a crowded platform, or whether there will be a mail box anywhere on your side of the street, was attracting much attention.”

Prepared from material received from Wordsmith, as described, with added comments for this essay.

May 2004

LFC